The misadventures of Professor Matthews
by Penny Weasley
Summary: The craziest DADA professor you'll ever meet
1. Default Chapter

The misadventures of Professor Matthews - Chapter one  
  
"I wonder who's going to be the defence teacher this year?" Hermione wondered.  
  
"Probably another nut after Harry," Ron said.  
  
"Thank you for the vote of confidence Ron," Harry said rolling his eyes.  
  
"I'm only saying what people think," Ron said.  
  
Harry was about to make a snide comment when he was cut off by Dumbledore.  
  
"I have a few start of term announcements to make before we begin the feast," he said.  
  
"Here we go," Ron whispered to Harry.  
  
"First of all, the Forbidden Forest is called the Forbidden Forest because it is forbidden, so please stay out. A few older students need to be reminded about this too," Dumbledore looked in the direction of the Weasley twins, who were looking incredibly smug. "Mr Filch, our caretaker, would also like to remind you that there is to be no magic in the halls between classes. There is someone else, but as he doesn't seem to have arrived yet, let's eat!"  
  
"It's not a very good impression is it?" Hermione said, "To be late for your first day of work."  
  
"He's probably heard about the other defence teachers and is busy looking up some good hexes," Ron said.  
  
"Hey look at McGonagall!" Harry said, pointing at Professor McGonagall. "She looks terrified!"  
  
Professor McGonagall was sitting next to Dumbledore and was clutching her napkin fearfully. Dumbledore was patting her shoulder, and looked like he was trying to comfort her. Whatever he was saying didn't appear to be working.  
  
"What's up with her?" Ron said.  
  
At this point in time the doors to the Great Hall burst open and a tall man with messy brown hair slid in to the hall.  
  
"Paul is here!" he yelled, throwing his arms into the air dramatically.  
  
"Who's the nut bar?" Hermione asked as she watched the man moonwalk up to the staff table.  
  
"I don't know but McGonagall doesn't look too happy. And look at Snape!" Harry said. Snape's mouth was hanging wide open in disbelief.  
  
Dumbledore stood up quickly. "Students, I would like to introduce to you our new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Matthews!"  
  
Professor Matthews grinned. "What's shaking kids?" he said flashing everyone the peace sign.  
  
"Oh my god!" Professor McGonagall screamed. "It's the horrible, horrible boy!"  
  
Professor Matthews walked over to Professor McGonagall and gave her a big bear hug from behind. "Professor McGonagall! You have no idea how much I've missed your classes!"  
  
Professor McGonagall fainted and Professor Matthews dropped her onto the floor. "What's eating her these days?" he asked scratching his head in confusion.  
  
He looked up at the other staff members and noticed Snape, who still had his mouth open in disbelief. "And what is your problem, pretty boy?" Professor Matthews asked darkly. Snape gave him the special sneer he reserved for Harry,  
  
"Geez you wouldn't want the wind to change right about now, would you?" Professor Matthews said cheerfully. "Now where can I sit?"  
  
"You may as well sit in Professor McGonagall's seat for now," Professor Dumbledore said. "I don't think she will be joining us again this evening."  
  
And with that Professor Matthews cheerfully took his seat next to Dumbledore. "Let's eat!"  
  
"Couldn't have put it better myself!" Dumbledore said with a smile. He clapped his hands twice and the food appeared on the house tables.  
  
"I'm a little bit worried about this year," Hermione said to Harry.  
  
"Well at least you know it's going to be interesting," Harry said. 


	2. Chapter 2

The misadventures of Professor Matthews - chapter two  
  
It turned out that Harry, Ron and Hermione had defence first thing the next morning.  
  
"Tell us how it is!" Fred said as they left the Great Hall.  
  
"We will," Ron promised.  
  
The trio made their way to the defence classroom and took out their books. The first bell rang, then the second. Twenty minutes later, Professor Matthews still hadn't arrived.  
  
"Maybe Snape poisoned him?" Harry said.  
  
"Possible," Ron said.  
  
It was at this moment Professor Matthews made his entrance, shoelaces untied, robes half unbuttoned and a piece of toast hanging out of his mouth. The class could still see his board shorts and Hawaiian shirt underneath his robes.  
  
It was unknown to Professor Matthews that Filch had waxed all the floors the previous day, and that they were still slippery. He unsuccessfully tried to stop at his desk and kept on sliding, until he crashed through a window, shattering the glass and disappearing.  
  
The class gathered around the window. Professor Matthews was lying spread legged in a huge pile of Hagrid's compost.  
  
"It's okay," he yelled up at them. "I meant to do that! Why don't you take your seats and I'll be up there in a minute."  
  
The class went back to their seats, Hermione repairing the window before returning to hers.   
  
It was only a few minutes before Professor Matthews was back in the classroom smelling terrible and covered in blood.  
  
"That happens far more often then it should," he sighed.   
  
"Perhaps you should go to the hospital wing?" Dean said.  
  
"Nah. 'Tis only a flesh wound," Professor Matthews said.  
  
"But sir," said Seamus, "you have a huge piece of glass in your arm!"  
  
"Mmm?" Professor Matthews said, looking at his arm. "Well, would you look at that. That is a huge piece of glass. Nasty bugger," he said pulling it out of his arm as he spoke. He then held the piece of glass up to the light to admire it. He then threw it in the trash can and wiped his hands. "Problem solved," he said, sitting on the edge of his desk.  
  
Lavender looked like she was going to be sick.  
  
Professor Matthews looked down at his surf watch. "I haven't wasted this much time in class since I let a group of hippogriffs go in Care of Magical creatures!" he said.   
  
Half the class looked horrified while the other half sniggered. Harry made a mental note to tell Sirius about this guy.  
  
"Seeing as we've lost so much time why don't you guys ask me some questions, to get to know me," Professor Matthews said.  
  
Hermione started waving her hand in the air.  
  
"Yes... er..."  
  
"Hermione, sir. Hermione Granger. Are you actually a qualified teacher?"  
  
He raised an eyebrow and said, "Would Dumbledore hire me if I wasn't? Oh ye of little faith," he said.  
  
Hermione didn't press the matter furthur.  
  
"How old are you sir?" Parvati Patil asked.  
  
"Twenty five."  
  
"How old are you mentally?"  
  
"You should probably ask Professor McGonagall that," he sniggered. "You'd get quite an interesting answer."  
  
"Why do you dress like that?" Lavender asked.  
  
"Hey this is stylish!" Professor Matthews insisted.  
  
"Are you part of the Matthews' family?" Neville asked.  
  
"Matthews' from Ireland, or Matthew's from England?"  
  
"England."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Really?"  
  
Professor Matthews put his hands on his hips. "Yes, really. They disowned me not the other way around." Seeing the horrified looks on the students faces he said, "I was only joking! My mum loves me! She bought me this shirt!"  
  
"What do you like to do in your spare time?" Ron asked.  
  
"I like to watch re-runs of The Bill," Professor Matthews said.  
  
"How do you watch television at Hogwarts? Electronics don't work here," Hermione said.  
  
"I had all my electrical equipment fixed," Professor Matthews said. "So now I can watch it whenever I like!"  
  
"Isn't that illegal?" Hermione asked.  
  
"It's only illegal if people find out," Professor Matthews said.  
  
"What if people find out? Won't you get in trouble if you get caught?" Hermione said.  
  
"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione. You only get in trouble if you get caught."  
  
Ron sniggered. "What would happen if you did get caught?" he asked.  
  
"When in doubt, deny, deny, deny. It works with homework too," Professor Matthews winked.  
  
"Were your parents witches and wizards?" Dean asked.  
  
"I'm half and half. Didn't you get the Monty Python quote?"  
  
The bell then rang and everyone packed up and left for their next class. Harry waited until everyone had gone and then walked up to Professor Matthews.  
  
"Sir, did you know my father?" Harry asked.  
  
Professor Matthews looked up from putting his things away and said, "Harry, how old do you think I am?"  
  
"Sorry sir," Harry said before making a speedy exit. 


	3. Chapter 3

The misadventures of Professor Matthews- chapter three   
  
That evening Harry went up to the owlery to send a letter to Sirius.   
It read:   
  
Dear Snuffles,   
Everything seems pretty normal hear except the new Defence against the Dark arts teacher. His name is Paul Matthews and he reminds me of a surfing guru. McGonagall seems terrified of him and he and Snape don't seem to get on very well. But then again, there's nothing new. I just thought that I'd better tell you about him just in case he's another one of your buddies from Azkaban. Keep in touch,   
Harry.   
  
***   
  
A few days later at breakfast Harry received a letter from his Godfather. It said:  
  
Dear Harry,  
I have heard of him, but he's not a friend from Azkaban. He's famous for his "classroom bolt trick" that he pulled in his seventh year during transfiguration. You should ask him about it! From what I know, he was a good friend of Bill Weasley. Maybe he knows something? Remus wants me to tell you that if they're letting idiots like him teach, that education has really gone down in quality. From,  
Snuffles.  
P.S. Played a game of poker against him once in the Three Broomsticks. Mongrel still owes me fifty galleons.   
  
Harry put down the letter and laughed quietly.   
  
"What's up?" Ron asked as he looked up from his bacon and eggs.   
  
Harry passed the letter to him and Hermione to read and when they were finished they too were wearing smiles.   
  
"Well at least we know he's not out to get you Harry," Hermione said.   
  
"I'll send an owl to Charlie today and ask about Matthews," Ron said and went back to hoarding food down his throat.   
  
***   
  
That night at dinner our three heroes where graced with the presence of Percy Weasley.   
  
He claimed that he was there on Ministry business but Harry had a sneaking suspicion that his mother had sent him to check on him.   
  
Much to Ron's disgust, Percy had taken the liberty of sitting across from them at the Gryffindor table and was filling them in about his life at the office.   
  
"And I said to David, 'Hey David you should only be using cream parchment not white, and to use black ink, not blue."   
  
Hermione seemed mildly interested in the speech while Harry and Ron where trying to fight of the urge to sleep.   
  
"PERCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" somebody screamed from behind him and put Percy in a headlock.   
  
"ARRRGGGHHHH!" Percy screamed and tried to break free.   
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione looked up to see Professor Matthews grinning evilly as Percy struggled to get free.   
  
"Paul!!" Percy screamed!, "Go to Hell you bastard."   
  
Everyone stared in shock at Percy.   
  
"That's the strongest foul language I've ever heard Percy use," said Ron in shock.   
  
"Now, now," Professor Matthews mocked, "you shouldn't use nasty words around the children now Percy. You could prove to be a bad influence."   
  
The Weasley twins at the other end of the table started to laugh hysterically.   
  
"Let me go you dick!" screamed Percy as he tried to pull Matthews' arm away from his throat.   
  
"What's this!" yelled somebody from behind Professor Matthews.   
  
Bill Weasley had too arrived on the scene when Professor Matthews did, but due to all the commotion, he had been over looked.   
  
"You have hurt my darling baby brother!" he said grinning, "you must die Matthews!"   
  
Bill threw Professor Matthews to the ground and he, Percy and Percy's chair went down with him.   
  
Everyone in the Great Hall got out of their seats to look at the three adults on the ground.   
  
As Harry gazed over at them he saw Professor Matthews sitting on Percy's back and pulling on his left leg hard while Bill had his arms around Matthews' ribcage and was trying to pull him off.   
  
But as Harry watched with interest, he saw that Bill wasn't trying very hard.   
  
"Oh bugger off Bill," Professor Matthews said with a grin as he turned his head to face him.   
  
"Get this idiot off me!" Percy shouted as Professor Matthews pulled on his leg harder.   
  
"Sissy," said Bill and he let go of Matthews and grabbed Percy's free foot. He took off his shoe and sock and started to tickle him.   
  
Percy was now making a noise that was a combination of screaming and yelling.   
  
All the student in the Great Hall were now wondering how three grown men could act like this.   
  
"Weasley, Weasley and Matthews!" Snape screamed, "One hundred and Fifty points from Gryffindor!"   
  
"You can't do that slimeball," Matthews said as he got off of Percy's back, "we're not students anymore."   
  
Snape started to make his way over to Professor Matthews but Dumbledore then said, "I think we've had enough excitement for one night could students and teacher please take their seats."   
  
Everyone sat back down at their house tables and Snape made his way back to the staff table.   
  
Bill and Professor Matthews took seats at the Gryffindor table while Percy tied his shoe back on.   
  
"What was all that?" asked Hermione in shock.  
  
"Well when I received Ron's owl this afternoon I couldn't wait to come back and meet up with my old friend Paul," Bill said.  
  
"Yeah," Professor Matthews said, "me and Bill go way back. Back to the days of the greatest pranks Hogwarts has ever seen! As I recall, Professor McGonagall didn't have as many grey hairs back then."  
  
"But what's the story with Percy?" Ron asked.  
  
"Well little bro," said Bill, "Paul and Percy go way back too. As you can see, there's still a little bit of boyish rivalry going on between them. Percy used to hate it when Paul would spend the summer at our house. You're probably just too young to remember it."  
  
"Boyish rivalry?" Percy said. "You locked me in the attic with the family ghoul!"  
  
"Are you still sore about that?" Professor Matthews said and he kicked his feet underneath Percy's, who fell flat on his back.  
  
"You mongrels! Why, when I get home..."  
  
"You'll do what?" Bill said slyly. "Tell mummy on us?"  
  
"Oh, I quiver with fear Perce," Professor Matthews said. "I hate to think of what mummy will do, when she finds out what we did to poor precious Percy-poo."  
  
Percy growled and turned to leave.   
  
"Bye Percy-poo! Come back soon!" Professor Matthews and Bill said in unison.  
  
Percy flinched but continued to walk out the hall.   
  
Once he was gone, Fred and George came running up to them.   
  
"Fantastic!" Fred roared!  
  
"Yeah I've never seen Percy so peeved in his entire life!" George said.  
  
"He even swore!" Fred said. "If I was to die tomorrow I'd die a happy man."  
  
Bill and Professor Matthews just grinned at one another. 


	4. Chapter 4

The misadventures of Professor Matthews- chapter four   
  
"Mail's here," Seamus Finnigan called as the owls came flying in to the Great Hall one day.   
  
Ron stopped eating his porridge to pick up a letter that a Ministry of Magic owl had dropped in front of him.   
  
"What's that?," asked Harry as he put his pumpkin juice down.   
  
"Owl from Percy," he said.   
  
"Well you'll have to read it later," Hermione said as she got up, "or we'll be late for Herboligy."   
  
Ron and Harry rolled their eyes but got up and left the Great Hall with her anyway.   
  
They soon found that nothing particularly fascinating was happening in Professor Sprout's class.   
  
"Oh go ahead and open it," Harry whispered, "it's not like she's going to notice anyway."   
  
Ron reached into his bag and opened the letter. As he, Harry and Hermione read it they became immensely frightened.   
**********   
"Well class," said Professor Matthews as he took the tape out of the VCR, "what did we learn in class today?"   
  
"That Mulder was the best FBI agent ever and that that Doggart dog breath guy sucked," Lavender said.   
  
"Very good. And what did we learn from The Bill this lesson?"   
  
"That pursuing sexual relationships on the desk is not a good idea."   
  
"Very good! Ten points to Gryffindor. Class dismissed."   
  
The class gathered their things and started to leave the room.   
  
"Harry, Hermione and Ron, could you please stay back a minute?" Matthews said as he switched off his TV.   
  
The trio exchanged a nervous glance but went up to his desk.   
  
"I couldn't help but notice that you were looking at me with fearful looks throughout the whole lesson. Is there a problem?" Professor Matthews said cheerfully.   
  
"Well you see sir," Ron said shakily, "my brother Percy sent me an owl this morning and..."   
  
"Did he say that I cut my parents into tiny little pieces and hid them under the floorboards in my house?" Matthews groaned.   
  
"Yea," said Harry, "and that you sold your own liver on the black market for an autograph from someone off The Bill."   
  
"Can you hand me the letter Ron?" Matthews asked with some amusement.   
  
Ron took the letter out of his pocket and handed it to the teacher.   
  
Matthews then quickly ran through the list.   
  
"I wasn't in Azkaban for two years. My cousin did actually try to shoot the Minister of Magic but the gun exploded in his hand. All my organs are still intact thank you very much. I did not have a relationship with a banshee, but I did once eat a dog."   
  
"You ate a dog?" Hermione cried looking horrified.   
  
"Yea," Professor Matthews said putting his feet on the desk, "I got lost in the Forbidden Forrest once for a week and I found this dog. I didn't have any food so I put the poor thing out of its' misery and ate it. Bill and I had a huge argument over how we should cook it. I wanted to fry it but Bill wanted it on a spit. Didn't taste too bad, a bit like beef really."   
  
"Bill ate it too?" Ron asked weakly.   
  
"Yep. In actually fact he ate more of it than I did. He ate all four legs and I had the ribs."   
  
"Thankyou Professor but I think we should be going now," Harry said felling a bit ill.   
  
"Later kids," he called as they left the room.   
  
"Kids of today are such wimps," he sighed and he then left to pay his dear friend Percy a visit. 


End file.
